“Successful Relationship” from the book Pillars of Awesome Relationships
“It’s Not Fair!” How to kill a successful relationship.
Want a successful relationship? Then DEAL WITH IT! Life is not fair; Relationships are not fair. It is not fair that someone else has opportunities that you do not have. It is not fair that some people seem to achieve successful relationship without much effort. It is not fair for someone to wrongfully accusing you of being solely responsible for the problems in an intimate relationship because that person is too scared to take responsibility for his or her part of what is happening. You are right, it’s not fair. So what? Would you rather have a successful relationship or a fair one?
Whining does not create Successful Relationships.
Whining about something not being fair does not make the situation better; it doesn’t make it a successful relationship. Complaining about fairness does not make things fair or put things back into balance. Whining and complaining that life is not fair is the same as telling God you want to stay stuck and feel powerless; it is impossible to have a successful relationship if you are stuck. Being stuck sets you up for sadness and reinforces a victim mindset because it keeps you from coming up with empowered solutions.
When we tell a story of being powerless, we are thinking powerlessly and we feel powerless. Creating a new habit of thinking powerfully, accepting responsibility, and never blaming takes quite a bit effort—just like establishing any new habit. This habit is worth it and it will mold you into a person who creates successful relationships!
Our job in this lifetime is to love and create successful relationships. When we are complaining, feeling sorry for ourselves, blaming, or feeling less than worthy, we are not loving! Accepting life “as is” is a huge element of loving ourselves, loving each other, and building a great life. Without this acceptance, it is hard to gain clarity about the initial steps we need to take to effect meaningful, powerful change towards building successful relationships.
When life gives you unfair situations, remember that the events that made the unfairness are immediately in the past and unable to be changed. Complaining does not change the past, so it cannot change the unfair situation you are complaining about. Complaining does not motivate you or anyone to make empowered changes, nor does it inspire anyone to co-create a successful relationship with you.
Jean learned this when she came into the office with pretty serious anxiety. She talked about her four-year-old autistic grandson and how his autism had been a challenge for her. She could hardly spend time with him when he was younger because she would get so sad being around him she was incapable of having a successful relationship. She shared that she was so mad at God for making this little boy autistic. Eventually, she got to a point where she loved spending a lot more time with her grandson, and built a successful relationship with her feelings, even though she still struggled with thinking, It’s not fair.
Saying, “It’s not fair” insinuates that the circumstances of our lives need to be different for us to be happy. While some circumstances cannot be changed, what we can change is our response to the circumstances. It is our response to our circumstances that creates a successful relationship.
By feeling her love and doing a loving visualization similar to the ones outlined in Chapter 4, of Pillars of Awesome Relationships, Jean was able to transform her emotional state and feel peaceful love instead of her usual soul-crushing angst whenever she thought of her grandson. Loving through unfortunate circumstances is the most empowering response we can have to the challenges life throws at us.
Few of us were taught growing up how to stand in our power, which is necessary for successful relationships. Often when the circumstances in our lives are not going the way we want, what we need is to feel our own personal power and presence. This necessitates having a sense of our genuine worth and rejecting fatalistic “things can never change” thinking. That is not the way to build and maintain successful relationships.